Archive for September, 2008

If you come here from time to time then you know that sometimes I write about pretty outlandish things, like the alleged find of an ancient UFO with dinosaurs inside. Or that apparently UFOs hide in homebrew clouds (or as I would refer to it: The Cloud Hack) so that we can’t see them. Or the iPhone. Or something weird. I told, someone I have gotten to know pretty well recently, about the UFO/dinosaur thing, and she said “you and your crazy theories” (after she said ‘what?!’) =) . Well admittedly they are crazy. I am a crazy person! Haha =D It’s very down to earth today.

You see the story I have today is about lost love, being heart-broken, and standing at very big crossroads in life. And it’s about the person I just spoke about (and man, I love it when she says ‘you and your crazy theories’ to me).

So… where do I start? At the beginning I suppose. Here we go.

You see, I worked for Microsoft a while back but the job wasn’t my thing there. So I applied at some places, eventually DoubleClick (back then when it was not a Google company) interviewed me, twice. Then I should show up for a third round. I would have my interview with her, the one I’m talking about. So I walk in there, the small meeting room. We had a good talk, I laid out my experience in the IT field and skills, as one would do in such interviews. It was really relaxed. She told me they’d contact me with a final decision. As I walked out of there, I thought to myself ‘that was a really sweet person just now, I’d like to see her again’. But for that I’d have to have the job first. Well as it turned out I got the job obviously, and I’m still in it. So this was the first time I met her.

As time progressed, I always wanted to get to know her better, but I didn’t know how. Eventually I learned that she had a boyfriend, and I really hoped that they both are happy together. Well let me tell you that was the case, it’s pretty hard to describe why, when you haven’t seen for yourself. She filled the room, area, or where ever with light and joy – this is how you could tell. It’s this thing around her, like, call it Karma, Aura… there are many names. It immediately affects every one around her, and I presume this is why we all love her and the way she is.

I thought that she must be happy with everything. You could tell she enjoyed her job. And let me tell you, she’s pretty good at it. Me? I don’t have what it takes to be in that role… Which is why I truly admire the way she handles it. Seeing is believing I suppose. You can see her in the middle of something really important, but always time for people. Like you walk up to her, she’s in that thing, really deep in, and like ‘hey, can I talk to you? I have a question’ – ‘Howdy! Sure, what’s up?’. Amazing.

But as you know, every coin has two sides. So this is the one side of her, the one we have all in the office come to know and to love. But I wanted to get to know the person behind all of that. There’s always the person beneath the surface.

It was around three or four months ago, not sure, but around that time. Me and a colleague have a game of pool in the kitchen (yes we had a pool table in our kitchen! Jealous now? =D). So she came in and talked to another colleague, she was all in tears. I continued playing, I only catched a few things. Eventually she got back to her desk, and later, so did I.

And this is basically where it starts. So over IM I texted her, saying that I kinda listened to the conversation, I noticed that she wouldn’t be alright. I also apologized for eavesdropping because it’s not a very nice thing to do, but I couldn’t help it. And I offered that we can talk at some time if she likes, about something else than just the systems we work with. There are Boyfriend/Girlfriend issues. It’d be nice is what she said, and eventually we went for a drink at a nice place in Dublin’s city centre. The Pravda, to be precise.

‘So… how are you?’ were my first words that night, and how it really began.

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“I’ve been searching my soul tonight.
I know there’s so much more to life”

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She got me a coke and she had a beer, and first told me how her day was and all these annoying customers and all that crap. I told her about mine. I asked her why she was crying, and so she started to tell me the story so far at that point. Originally she’s from the U.S. you see, Baltimore. Never been there. Eventually back in 2000 she came her to start a new job, new career, new life. Shortly after, she met this mentioned boyfriend. Things were going okay, she wasn’t madly in love with him at first, but as you can imagine, over time, the love grew. They started to live together and all that, which I think is great =) But suddenly, out of the blue, he wouldn’t respond to emails, or not as nicely as before, and would play some weird games with her. And this, my friends, after an incredible 8 years. It is important to understand that he however has not been here in Dublin for a while now, I won’t say where he is now. I know it, but I can’t say. Let’s just say it’s a bit of a distance. I also won’t say in public at which company he works for and why – but let’s put it that way, apparently it means a great deal to him. Or so it would appear. No one really knows for sure.

Anyways… so he starts showing this weird behaviour, hurting the one person he has been with for 8 years. She told me that at one night, they were under the stars and it was a magnificent sight, so romantic and beautiful – and at that moment she started crying. I didn’t know what to do… And then suddenly she says that she’d be sorry for crying. You can always cry with me, in front of me… =) In time, she thought she’d be with him for the rest of time. And quite frankly, I wished that would be the case.

In the days and weeks that followed we met more often, hung out more often, drinks in the Pravda or something to eat at the pizza place nearby. And we had great times, good laughs, deep conversations. About life, fate, destiny (I still can’t answer the fate and destiny thing for you…), and my crazy theories about aliens in space and on Earth. Then one day I saw her breaking down at her desk, like I have not seen before. I knew she was crying, and she didn’t want anybody to notice. Thing is at the time she was sitting at a place where I could directly see her desk, and I pinged her ‘you ok?’ – ‘no’ – ‘wanna go for a walk?’ – so we did. We went outside and had a walk by the sea (yes we had the sea near the office. Still not jealous? =D)

All in tears, she unfolded more and more details to me and I listened in spellbound awe and sadness as she revealed the details of what this man is suddenly doing. We were sitting on a bench that day, both looking for a reason. We didn’t find any. She told me that he no longer appears in AIM, where as he should around that time of day. The emails he wrote, no more cute names, no warmth. Eventually they had phone calls, where she was asking him what he really wants. He constantly said ‘I don’t know’. Or so he claims. In time, he played that ‘I don’t know’ card a bit too often. At his age, which I also won’t say in public (neither will I release his name) he SHOULD know. Or have made up his mind.

Another thing she revealed to me is that in 8 years, they never said ‘I love you’ to each other. I find that strange, but maybe, if a relationship works on deeper levels, you don’t even have to say that anymore. But anyways, that’s just my thing on that.

After a while, she invited me up into her apartment. I remember when she said ‘oh god, you gonna see my place, everything’. I don’t know what she was afraid of… I actually quite like the place the way it is =) And I accidentally sat down on her spot on the couch. “Hey, move over! That’s MY spot!” =D Haha! So I moved over into the other corner.

In time, this man has shown very evasive behaviour. In terms of avoiding SMS’s, or only quick replies to emails. The company he works for (I presume he still does), has offices here in Dublin and he actually used to work in those. Which is also why they lived together. But when asked about Dublin, like ‘why don’t you come back to Dublin? We have the apartment here and all?!’. He simply replied: ‘I hate Dublin’. Hmhm. I mean okay. There are a few bits about the city that didn’t work out right. Like the DART and such. But honestly? In seven years that I have been here, no one really hated the city. No one. So that statement appeared to me highly improbable as true. Naturally, over time, she became more raged and puzzled about his behaviour, why he doesn’t wanna come back, and why he is only concentrating on work.

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“You know what’s worse than being all alone in the night, captain?
To be all alone in the crowd”
- Delenn

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You know, if you are with someone that long, you gonna start thinking about greater responsibilities, greater things, like a house, as in your own house. Or something even better – like… a baby for example. The joy of bringing life into the world, seeing that life grow into a man or lady. The greatest gift of all. And she burst in tears when she told me that they talked about having a baby, or to be more precise she started the topic. Something then happened what I can only describe as him getting scared of that idea, making him even more run away, become more evasive, breaking her heart even more bit by bit. All she wanted is to talk to him about it. It has been one of her greatest wishes. He runs away. From the offer of bringing life into the world.

Maybe meeting would be a good idea, to talk things over. At this point two months had already passed, two months full of riddles, mystieries, and strange behaviour, and above all, breaking her heart bit by bit – the worst thing one could ever do to someone. And honestly, I could not stand seeing her like – and I still can’t. I mean, you remember how I described back at the start of the story? This is how I want her. So… meeting might be a good idea, and they set a date to meet somewhere neutral. Somewhere which wouldn’t have effect on both of them, so not his place, or Dublin. As it turns out, he got evasive again – they never met.

A phone call followed between those two, I was not there but I’m pretty sure she cried when she told him that he’s really making her angry and sad – which is why she started taking down his family photos from the wall. She couldn’t stand them any longer. So the next time I came to her place, the photos had vanished. Again she told me about how evasive he got, and man she was so sad =( Oh god. She then showed me a picture, like some years old, in a small frame. They both looked so happy. Especially her. It’s like some light surrounded the picture, that’s how happy her face was and her smile. And he has nothing better to do, as to break that. Great job. You happy now, Mr. Boyfriend?

At that time we knew each other pretty well you see, and then the fated day would come of the last phone call. The last. She unfolded that call to me, bit by bit. They talked and it was all normal. Until they got down to the real business. So she unfolded to him everything, how she feels, how broken her heart is (so broken that there are thousands of pieces scattered everywhere). She then asked him if he wants to break up…

And he said ‘Yes’.

She told him again what he did, and he simply hung up. He. Hung. Up. On. Her.

She called me that night, all in tears, and – to be honest – I couldn’t keep it together, I also was in tears, she told me that he just gave her a straight answer in a long while. While we talked, he called back and said that he had to hang up because he couldn’t stand the things she said to him. He couldn’t stand the truth.

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“Farewell my fallen idol and a false friend.
One by one I’ve watched illusions shatter”

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You know, if you’d know her, and seen her, and understand what she is, you are really puzzled with the question as to why a man would do such a thing. To such a beautiful, intelligent, absolutely wonderful person. I have no idea. None. I just… I don’t know. All I know is that I can not stand the sight of her being heart broken, her feeling so utterly lost, so blue. I just can’t.

Dear Mr. mentioned Boyfriend, you have known her better than many people in her life. You know what person she is, how beautiful and incredible she is. Her smile. Her laugh. Her humor. Her everything she is. Now her smile won’t be the same, he laugh won’t be the same. She’ll be scarred for the rest of her life. This is what you have done to her. This is what you have done to this world.

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“Where once was light now darkness falls.
Where was once love, love is no more”

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Thanks to him she’s now standing at this crossroad, this big one. Huge roads, many directions. A decision must be made. I have no idea where either of the roads leads to, or what lies ahead on each one of them.

If you’d asked me where you are headed from here? I’d say ‘with luck… forward’.

This man has lost it all. We know that after work, if he ever gets home, is in his apartment or something, watches MTV. He has internet connection my friends. But not a single call to her. No email. No IM ping. No nothing, even now, even after some time has passed. He had the greatest thing in life, he had it. With everything. He had her. Her goddamnit! Now he’s got nothing. The sun will set on him, and rise on her. I can only hope for him that he eventually understands the real gravity of his actions, or that he may feel the same thing like her someday, only worse. You see, he left her for nothing. Nothing. Not a single reason, not a single explanation, he just disappeared. I guess no one will ever know for sure what went on in his head.

I have only a few more things to say today.

You can believe me, and please believe me when I say that I know you’re going through the toughest time of your life. And believe me when I say that I like you very much, that I am here for you, I gotcha now. I gotcha. You can call me at any time, ping me any time, no matter where you are. In the past few days I had the phone beside my bed, just in case you call.

No matter what happens, no matter what – I’ll always try to make it more bearable for you, I’d always come over, in the middle of the night, I don’t care… because I care about you. Because I am your friend (with a crush on you…). Because I admire who you are, the way you are, everything. Thank you for everything already, and for many more times we’ll hang out. I promise you I’ll pay for some dinners soon. =)

And always remember: You are alive.